The C-Word

Time flies and I sometimes lose track of when it is exactly. But the anniversary I'm referring to isn't one I really want to remember, which is why I'm probably not sure of the exact date. But it was approximately one year ago that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I do remember that it was April. And I remember that it was before the end of the NHL regular season, because other events transpired in the week after his diagnosis and so I have one clear memory of the last regular season game and its place on the timeline. I'm sure he knows the exact date, but for me, from the time my Mom sat me down and told me to the day he came home from surgery about two weeks later my memory isn't clear.



Many of you might not have even known that my Dad even had cancer. I didn't talk about it much at the time because we didn't know much. When we finally got more information it was that he was cancer-free after his first surgery and we were very fortunate that it was discovered very early and taken care of quickly. I spent much of the two to three weeks--however long it was--in a fog. The rest of the time I spent trying to keep it together for my Mom (and Dad) and driving my dear husband insane with my moodiness and crying jags. I owe him an enormous thanks for being supportive, and dealing with me as best as he knew how and for sitting at the hospital with me and my Mom, when he really needed to be at work, while Dad was in surgery. I haven't talked about it much since because, well, I just haven't. That's not really my style. I also know how hard it was on my parents, and the fact that they never want to upset me and I did a pretty good job pretending at the time that I wasn't all that upset. I knew that if I broke down my Mom would break down, and then where would we be? She was strong for me and I was strong for her, because that's how we've always done things. But it wasn't their fault, and there was nothing they could have done short of not telling me, to shield me from the event and the accompanying emotions. So even as I talk about it now, I don't want to upset them and stress them out over how much it worried me and how severely it derailed my life for a few weeks. On the other hand, I want them to know that I did, in fact, care and it wasn't like I was brushing it off.


Dad was diagnosed with Merkel Cell Carcinoma after he went to his regular physician to have a spot on his arm removed that had been bothering him. He's kind of a hypocondriac, and we sometimes make fun of him for that, and we sort of did that day because the spot looked completely harmless. Merkel Cell is an extremely rare skin cancer--when I looked it up before I read that fewer than 1,200 people are diagnosed with it annually in the United States. That's compared to almost 200,000 cases of breast cancer annually and 8,000 cases of testicular cancer. Along with being rare, it is typically very aggressive. By the time it is usually noticed on the skin it tends to have spread to other parts of the body already.


Skin cancer in general runs on his side of the family. A diagnosis of skin cancer in and of itself didn't come as a surprise. I personally expect to develop skin cancer at some point in my life even though I do everything I can to prevent it--no artificial tanning (anymore!), wearing excessive amounts of sunscreen when I'm in the sun, avoiding the sun as much as possible, etc... I have already had two precancerous nevi (moles) removed up to this point and get an annual skin exam. Still, even though it had always been in the back of my mind as a likely event I didn't expect it to be so soon. And actually hearing that, no matter your expectations, is not at all like you expect it to be when you run those scenarios in your head.


Merkel Cell is not genetic. It is not caused by sun exposure or damage. They aren't really sure what causes it, although some cases may be linked to a virus like cervical cancer, but they aren't sure how people contract the virus and it is not contagious. Since no one was giving me the medical low down on the situation I spent many hours reading about it on the internet because I always feel like if I have alot of information about something that I can be in control of it somehow. On the one hand that made me feel better at times and other times it just made me feel more out of control and helpless.


The worst part of it all is not being able to do anything to help. I've been blessed with wonderful parents who have always been there for me and done everything they could to help and support me. In my Dad's first real time of need I could do nothing, and for a control freak like me, that just made things even worse. Eventually all kids have to face their parents declining health and needing something because of it. That is the circle of life. I admit to being ill prepared for that, and I can't say having already gone through it once has made me any better prepared for when it inevetibly happens again in the future. All I can say is that it sucked. Hard.


Today, however, there's no need to dwell on the past and the negative because we were some of the lucky ones. I am eternally greatful that the whole process from diagnosis to being declared cancer-free was only a few weeks long. I can only begin to imagine what it is like to face a protracted battle with cancer, and how emotonally and spiritually draining that must be fore the individual and their family. I commend them for their stregnth and determination in those times.


One year later my Dad is still cancer-free. As other people we know have been diagnosed or succumed to the illness I am reminded every time how lucky we were, and still are, that he's healthy and still with us. I just wanted to take this time to remember the event, as it was hugely important in my life in many ways, and also to celebrate the good luck and grace we experienced as a result. I also want to take the time to remember those among us who were not as lucky, and say a prayer for their families as they heal from their losses.