Basic Instinct

I don't have many skills.  I'm terrible at math and can't sing a lick.  Unless you are looking for comic relief, don't ask me to dance.  My social skills are the worst.  I am completely incapable of making small talk, don't do well in small or large social settings, and generally keep to myself at parties.  I don't make friends easily.  The root of that is likely the fact that I was an only child and learned to entertain myself at a young age, and never really had many friends in school because they were always pulling me out of regular classes for the "gifted program" so my main circle of friends were the other kids who got pulled with me.  As a rule, the so-called "smart kids" aren't always the most socially adept either, so even when I had friends, they were usually socially stunted in some way or another with me.  We were close, but we were odd. 

Despite my social deficiencies I tend to be able to read people almost immediately.  I just get "gut feelings" about them in the first few minutes of interaction, sometimes before they even say a word.  I don't always know why I feel the way I do, but occasionally I can point to specific things they said or did, or a tone they used.  The fact that I can't always verbalize what it is about someone that brings me to a certain conclusion about them means that often my gut reaction is discounted--particularly by Kirby who is very social, verbal and more socially forgiving than I am in general.  He can strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere about almost anything and run with it, but he doesn't have a strong gut reaction to most people.  Sometimes he does, but not frequently. 

Some of that I'm sure has to do with gender.  Supposedly women have a more highly developed sense in that regard.  I used to try to rationalize mine away but over time I realized my gut was right about people more often than not and now I trust it almost 100% when it comes to meeting new people.  That doesn't always serve me well, but most of the time it does, particularly in business.  I honestly can't point to a single occasion in the last three years where my gut has been wrong about anyone.

The only problem arises when there is already some connection with the person I'm feeling out.  You see, this system fails me under a few specific circumstances.  One being when I'm concerned what the other person thinks about ME.  When I'm too focused on the image I'm projecting I can't read the other person at all.  I also developed this skill once I got out into the "real world" and was exposed to people of varying backgrounds, personalities, etc...  So, when it comes to people I've known for a long time I can't discern what my gut is really telling me about them because I already know them, they already know me, and at the time we met I was not concerned with reading them--I was concerend with them liking me.

I have a friend who will remain nameless, who I have known for going on 18 years now.  We were close for the first six years of that friendship, almost like sisters.  Then we started to go seperate ways and completely lost touch for about five years.  When we did get back in touch four years ago we were both going through difficult times in our personal lives and picked right back up where we left off, like being sisters, and supporting each other through the transitions in life and into real adulthood.  Problem was, she was making bad decisions.  I told her as much, but still supported her through all the ups and downs those bad decisions brought to bear.  I was careful not to judge or critisize, but I was honest in my opinions and assessments.

Over the last year or so our communication became more sporadic, and usually only took place when she was having another problem related to the consequences of her poor life choices.  In January she called with big life news that should be happy, but to me it wasn't really so plesant to hear.  I probably did not react the way she was expecting although I tried not to react negatively.  Several cancelled and rescheduled lunch dates later, six weeks after the initial call, she completely stood me up for a lunch date that she had just reconfirmed with me the afternoon before.  She didn't reply to my texts or e-mails immediately after that.  I didn't try and contact her for about another month.  Finally, just to make sure she was OK I sent an e-mail.  No reply.  I sent a text.  No reply.  I sent another text saying I would call the cops to come check on her at work if she didn't let me know she was OK, and I got a reply!  I'm fine, been busy, will call you tomorrow she replied.  No call.  No text.  No e-mail.  

Although I had claimed I was done after the no-call no-show lunch date, I proclaimed it again.  I really was done.  I don't have the time, or the desire, for "friendships" like this at this point in my life.  Mentally, though, I still wonder how she's doing and it is virtually impossible to just cut someone out of your life that cleanly after so long.  But I still hadn't heard from her, and I wasn't going to be the person to send off an unsolicited angry e-mail proclaiming "this is why I don't want to be your friend anymore."  Two weeks ago I got an invitation to a party in her honor, one that solicits gifts.  I was not shocked or surprised but I was dumbfounded.  Really?  You sent me an invitation to come give you presents, but you haven't called or e-mailed me in months and only replied to my text when I threatened to send the cops to your office?  

I RSVP'ed via e-mail to the host declining to attend.  I figured I might hear something from her at that point, but still nothing.  My gut tells me that mean she knows that she's done something wrong and doesn't have the balls to speak up and address it.  Maybe she's waiting for me to send that angry e-mail, since that would typically be in character for me.  But I refuse to do it.  I absolutely refuse to do it.  I know my gut is right about her, and about the situation and I won't let my head or heart overrule it this time.  And part of me wants to see how long this will go.  How long will she wait?  If it is forever, then that is how it will end...just a strange deteroration into nothingness.  

Where I don't know whether to trust my gut is what to do if she does contact me.  Do I continue with my plan of ending this friendship?  One that has benefitted me none, one that has been completely one-sided for the last ten or more years?  Do I express my feelings and give her a chance to change, knowing that she probably won't, then we have to go through this whole process again?  Do I lay into her right off the bat, or simply state my feelings and wait for her to ask why?

My gut has no answer to those questions.  I guess if the time actually comes, I'll have a strong gut feeling one way or another and I'll just have to go with that instinctual response when it happens.